We are a generation of insecure mothers.
Our grandmothers had four, five, six children: they were between fifteen and twenty and had no worries in their pocket.
Few ultrasounds, home birth without epidural / yoga breathing / tantric massage, and by the time they started weaning a baby, a new one was already tumbling in their womb.
We become mothers at thirty and start chewing ourselves into little mental bits since the moment we see the blue line on a pregnancy stick.
Now that I think of it, the first worries start even before buying the test, with all those crazy “what if”. And finally, when the stick confirms that yes, we will be mothers (in fact, we already are) we work ourselves into a frenzy.
Subscribing to 1250 maternity support groups becomes crucial, so much so buying 1000 books on motherhood, watching debatable documentaries on TV taking notes and drawing up a list of 100 things to buy strictly by childbirth (the most important ones seem to be the a baby nasal cleaner, a nursing pillow filled with rice and an ergonomic bouncer with strobes and seven rocking speed)
Just pay a visit to a group or page dedicated to moms and children and you will find hundreds of heartfelt requests for help: they are always the same and range from the classic “SOS! why does my daughter wake up the moment I try to put her down in her crib? ” to the evergreen “I touched a mussel with the tip of my tongue, I’m breastfeeding so could my son get toxoplasmosis and die?”
In short, a n x i e t y
It would be sufficient to tell them: Ok, calm down, breathe. It’s normal. Everything is normal, you know, you’re doing great.
For example:
Your baby was born yesterday, but you still do not have milk.
It’s normal. Milk can take 5 or 6 days to come in. No matter how many herbal teas or supplements you swallow: the only sure fire way to produce milk is feeding your baby frequently, even if that means having a baby latched at your nipple for hours.
For any doubt, it is advisable to contact a Leche League consultant while gnoring any other comments or unsolicited advice (for example: beer makes milk, your milk isn’t nutritious, you do not have enough milk, etc.)
Your baby wants to be held all the time.
It’s normal. Your baby comes from a warm, cozy place, where the sounds were muffled and your movements used to rock them gently for hours. It is just normal that they need your warmth, your scent to feel “at home” in a way that reproduce that environment where they spent nine months.
You feel sad and incapable.
It’s normal. The post partum is one of the most delicate moments in the life of a woman. Hormones, exhaustion, fear of failure, the unsolicited advice, the sleepless nights, pain due to stitches you might have: this is only a small part of all that you are going to face. Give yourself time, let some steam off by talking with a friend, sleep whenever you can.
Your husband does not understand you.
Men do not understand women in “normal” days (you know “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus“?), so it’s going to be even more difficult in this difficult period. They live pregnancy as spectators, they can’t possibly know how we feel, the negative aspects of pregnancy (acidity, nausea, hemorrhoids, swelling and leg cramps, insomnia, childbirth) nor the positive ones (the first movements in the belly, the feeling of omnipotence in knowing that inside you a human being is growing, natural oxytocin and its effects …) and continue, in most cases, to feel a stranger for the first few months, due to the natural symbiosis that exists between mother and child. Do not take it personally and be open to discussion: tell him openly what you need, let off some steam, share feelings with him. Read a book together, respect his opinions, find 10 minutes to talk about him, or about you as a couple.
Read together: Kiss Me!: How to Raise Your Child with Love by Carlos Gonzalez.
Your baby wakes up when you try to put him down.
It’s normal. Your baby has a biological imperative : survive. And since the dawn of time, an infant feel safe and secure only if hugged and held. His brain tells him to reclaim your presence, he’s not doing it it because “he is smart” or “spoiled”, it is his nature, he’s a mammal.
You’re impatient and nervous
It’s normal. Moms always feel under pressure. Everything you do – or don’t do – can make people think they are entitled to criticise you. And when it’s not others cticizing you, you are bashing yourself, because moms are not very indulgent with themselves, for no reason. You only have few hours to sleep and you’re sharing your space and every breath with another being, a wonderful little “parasite” that pretend to be held even when you pee or eat. You still have some pounds left to shed, and haven’t seen a hairdresser in months: you’re not comfortable with yourself, you don’t feel beautiful, you may feel as if these first months as a mom have brutalized you. The house is a mess and you can’t find the time to cook, the pile of clothes to iron becomes higher and higher and pretty unsetting.
First and foremost: ask for a little help. Ask your mom, your mother-in-law, or pay a domestic worker a few hours a week. Try to take things lightly, some disorder has never killed anyone, but sleep deprivation has. And burnout too.
Your baby would spend all the time at the breast and nurse every 30 minutes.
It’s normal. Breast milk is easily digested in about twenty minutes, as it’s way lighter than formula. In addition the stomach of a newborn is tiny: this means that it is normal for newborns to nurse little and often.
Your baby cries.
It’s normal. They’re newborn. They can’t speak, recite a sonnet in Latin or sing a solo. Babies can only cry. So they do it, because they’re hot, sleepy, hungry, their diaper needs changing, because they get bored, or scared, or their tummy hurts a little.
You’re terrified of SIDS.
It’s normal, we all are. Keep your baby to sleep on her back or side, being careful that they can not roll and end up face down (I’ve used this cushion for the first months). Keep them close while they’re sleeping. What I’ve found online about SIDS is that there were similarities: children were put to sleep on their stomach and cots were in rooms other than those of their parents.
Your daughter is seven months and she’s not crawling yet.
It’s normal. Some babies, like my own daughter, never crawl. Crawling isn’t essential and it’s not true that a baby who can’t crawl will start walking at a later stage, indeed it is often the opposite.
Your baby does not want to be with dad or grandparents and just wants you
It’s normal. Fetal life, birth and the months following birth are known as primal period; it lasts for about 9 months after birth; it’s a natural continuation of pregnancy outside the womb. You and your baby will continue to live in harmony for many months and only when babies reach one year of age, they will begin to realize that you are two separate beings. This is why between 9 and 12 months babies feel what is known as “separation anxiety” and need the presence of the mother even more, rejecting anyone else.
Suggested reading: The Second Nine Months
Your baby refuses food and he only wants milk
It’s normal. Babies don’t need any other food besides milk until at least six months of age (even WHO recommends parents to wait until around six months to introduce solids). If he is not ready yet, you just have to wait until he is. Keep proposing food, let him sit with you at the table and he will start to get interested in what you’re eating. Don’t use cereal soup or homogenized baby food, try a baby led weaning.
Suggested reading: Baby-led Weaning: Helping Your Baby to Love Good Food / Baby Led Weaning Facebook Community
Your daughter is still waking up at night
It’s normal. The sleep cycle of children under 3-4 years of age is different from that of adults. Sleep deprivation is horrible, all moms have been through this. Hold on, it will be over.
Suggested reading: Nighttime Parenting: How to Get Your Baby and Child to Sleep
“Avoided like the plague” reading: “Solve your child’s sleep problems” by Ferber.
Your two years old son doesnt’ talk
It’s normal. He will. Each child has his own time, don’t panic and don’t compare your child’s progress with others: let’s give these children their time to grow up, to be kids, one step at time, without breathing down their neck.
Your daughter plays a Greek tragedy if you try to leave her at the preschool
It’s normal. Until age three, a child doesn’t need to socialize or play with their peers. If she’s not ready to do it and if her separation anxiety is too bad, it would be fair not to force her, unless it is absolutely necessary. A lot of times it’s enough to put it off (there are children who refuse preschool at three years and, when they’re three and a half they totally want to go), or at least let’s give them time to deal with it. Choose a preschool that offers a gradual entry program, and stay with your child during the first days, leaving her alone for half an hour at a time, trying to make this difficult start as smooth as possibile.
Your son screams and cry just like he’s possessed by a supernatural entity
It’s normal. Your baby grows up, he becomes scrappy, he claims and demands. It’s a form of disease called “growth”, also known as “terrible twos”, then terrible three, terrible four…Until the “terrible sixteen”, when it gets even worse.
Suggested reading: The Whole-Brain Child: 12 Revolutionary Strategies to Nurture Your Child’s Developing Mind
If you change the way you interact with your child, your child will have different reactions, try to be empathic.
Your daughter won’t eat anything
It’s normal. Keep calm, she will not starve. Food must not have an emotional value, don’t reward your child if she eats, and, conversely, don’t punish her if she won’t eat, or you will run the risk of making things worse and prepare the ground for future eating disorders.
Suggested reading: Carlos Gonzalez’s article: What to do if your child won’t eat
And read our article “The nine tasting challenge”, maybe you will find the right idea 🙂
You’re pregnant and your first son started acting strange
He pees his pants, he alwas wants you to hold him, he becomes so morbid, he wants to sleep near you. It’s normal. It can be frustrating, demotivating, irritating, but it is his way to confirm you’re still his, your’re still there in his own little world. You just have to accept it, and hold him as much as possible: the regression will just go away, probably in 6/9 months after the birth of the new baby.
…Sometimes you just want to run away
It’s normal. Almost once a week, all moms think about going out for cigarettes (even if they don’t smoke). Maybe they won’t say it because it’s not easy to appear fragile, and you have to be brave to admit it… But everything is normal, it is normal to think it sucks, it’s normal to snort, to scream, to lock youserlf up in the bathroom, or to cry a little bit, to fight with your husband (who, after so long, still does not understand), to send to hell your mother in law, to send to hell yourself.
Everything is fine, because despite all this, every morning we get up, and we go back to being warriors, and none of us have surrendered.
In the end…
I think the most relevant thing I’ve learned during this years as a mom, is that everything moves on. I think that everything is just a phase, sometimes things are harder, sometimes not, but as much as you can feel sorely tried, things will move on. Your son will sleep through the night, your daughter will lose interest in breastfeeding and she will learn to walk, far away from you.
Our children will not be children much longer, but we will be their mothers forever.
Insecure, flawed and wonderful.
And also this is normal.
